“Comedy” writer Teresa Hsiao (on the staff of the show Family Guy) wrote a article entitled “A White Man’s Guide to Dating Asian Girls” for the Huffington Post. Thank goodness missed when it was published last month. It’s really, really unfunny. Here, I mean unfunny as in “not funny,” not as in “offensive.” Take a look:
STEP ONE: Finding an Asian
Asian girls typically hang out at one of three places: the mall, the library, or Pinkberry. When you get there, look around: the best Asian girl to pick up will be the one wearing a hoodie and heels (there is always one). When you approach her, ask for the time. As she takes out her phone to tell you, you should make a nice comment about her phone flair (Asian girls always have some bedazzled jank hanging off our phones, usually a cartoon duck or a jade tiger). And with that, you’re in. Asian girls will go on a date with anyone if she can tell a cutesy story about it later: “And then, after he saw my Keroppi keychain, he asked me out at Pinkberry! Pinkberry!”
- Who goes to Pinkberry anymore? Are we back in 2008?
- Phone flair, okay. That’s valid (but still unfunny). I actually got a wooden dragon phone charm in a Cathay Bank red envelope in my goody bag from the Asian Pacific Islander American Historic Preservation Forum this past week!
STEP TWO: The First Date
However, no matter what you do, don’t step on the yellow-fever land mine that is acknowledging the Asian fetish. Yes, we all implicitly know what’s going on here — why else did America go to war in two Asian countries last century? — but don’t say it out loud. Us girls all like to pretend that we’re your first Far East foray.
Fair. But still not funny.
STEP THREE: The Relationship
And since Asians have eyes like gravy boats, her crying jags are bound to extend late into the night. Just FYI.
Did she just make up a stereotype about Asian girls crying? I definitely haven’t heard this one before.
STEP FOUR: Locking it Down
If you’ve made it this far, then you know all the dirty secrets of dating an Asian girl. You know we hate animals. You know we pretend to love drinking, even though we turn into full-blown red-faced injuns when we do. Oh yeah, and you know we are racists. Your saintly self just goes with it.
Ms. Hsiao, are you sure this isn’t just you you’re talking about? Also, way to go, putting in a derogatory reference to Native Americans in there.
Alright, readers. If you were to write a funny “white man’s guide to dating Asian girls,” what would you include in it?
(Thanks, Vivian, for sending this article my way!)